it's been three years since i met david and first started liking him. i was a sophomore in high school, he was a junior. i had just started going to foothills and my only friend there, martha, was friends with him. so i would see her talking to him and she introduced me. that's when it all began. we started talking online and talking at church. i was infatuated with him and there was nothing that could change that. for whatever reason, we stopped talking. i was crushed. i would come home from church and cry myself to sleep. it was the worst. my junior year seemed to be torturous. we would look at each other, but never spoke. it broke my heart every time i saw him and nothing was said. it was like every tuesday night my heart got ripped out my chest and stepped on by the 200 plus students that were there. then we went to mexico over spring break. it finally seemed like things were gonna get better. i think maybe because we were in a small group of people so he felt the need to talk to me. but not matter what the reason, we talked. before mexico, i feel like i was finally getting over him, moving on to better things. but of course once we were there, once he was talking to me, all the feelings came back. but not the hurt, it was all the good feelings. the feeling of wanting to be with him all the time. to stay up all night talking about our dreams and what we wanted out of life. then mexico was over and it was back to the way it was before. we didn't speak. he graduated from high school while i started my senior year. i never saw him. for a year it was like he didn't even exist. although i would see him once in a blue moon. so maybe it was like he moved away and would come back to visit. but all the while he lived 10 minutes from my house. i can't imagine how many times we were in the same place, church, at the same time and never saw each other. then i was getting ready to graduate high school. it seemed as though id moved on. i would think about him every now and then, but those feelings weren't there. towards the end of my senior year we had senior lounge at someone's house. it was at the house where david and jeremy miller would be having their home group, specifically geared towards college freshman. just my luck. i went, hung out with my friends, and of course he was there. he hung out with my friends too. i don't know why but it seemed like he was always right there next to me. and the flood of feelings came back. it was starting to get ridiculous. i decided that i wanted to go to his home group. so i went over the summer, he was hardly there though. always traveling with his family. so once school started, i began to see him every week, sometimes twice a week with college group. the feelings i had for him seemed stronger than ever. the more we talked and got to know each other, the more i found we had in common and the more i would like him. the more i was convinced we would be perfect for each other. then winter break came along and i didn't see him for 3 weeks. once again i thought those feelings went away. i saw him tuesday, the night my niece was born, and yes they came back. i don't know why i can't seem to get over him. it's frustrating and confusing and i hate it. i just want to get over him but i don't want him out of my life. he makes me laugh, i never stop smiling when i'm around him. he would be such a great friend if we would just hang out. but for whatever reason, no matter how far i distance myself from david, the next time i see him i like him again. i don't know what to think of this. i don't think he likes me. i feel like if he would he would call or text message me to hang out or even to just talk. but he doesn't. it's never like that. i'm always the one texting him to hang out and he never comes. there's always something else. gosh. i don't know how much longer i can take this. it's driving me absolutely insane.
i'm listening to this song, River Flows in You by Yiruma. it's just piano. it's amazing. but when i listen to it, i can't decide if it makes me happy or sad. when i listen to it, i feel this pressure on my heart. towards the end, i always feel like i'm gonna cry but i can't determine if it would be a good cry or a bad cry. this song always makes me think of david. so i think it's a bad feeling. lol. it just reminds me of that hope, the hope that something could be there between us. the beginning of the song is like when i'm around him, not just for a night but for months, then the end, the end is when i lose him. when i realize that this probably will never work out. it gets more and more sad as the song goes on.
i'm pathetic i know. but i can't help the way i feel. i feel like what i want to happen between david and i never will. i feel like i have this false hope for something to work out and i've had it for 3 years. i have this hope that we can be friends when maybe we aren't meant to. even more i feel a hope that we can spend the rest of our lives together when it's not meant to be. i feel like i need to move on but don't know how. i feel like i need a change, but i don't know what to change. i feel confused and hopeless. that's how i feel.
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